Everything you have said is normal and you are inline with the normal behaviour so don’t think your a bad individual. The doctors reordering trick has been played a 1000x by many more people than I can mention and I’m one of them, it made me feel sick to my stomach doing it but it’s a proses you follow when you need them little pills. I was going on fake holidays ever 8weeks.. please don’t think your not fixable though because you are, honestly.
Sleeping tablets do help with the RLS especially when you are reducing but realistically reducing is HARD if your doing it on your own and unless your down to a small amount and ready for Cold Turkey then the sleeping tablets are just a way of dulling the cravings. You sound like you know that you want to give it up but telling your doctor is a fear? They will end your supply? Telling your husband will cause a snowball? If you sat down with your husband and let it out what would really happen? Listen, YOU NEED HELP and you need it as soon as you can. What is the very worst thing that can happen if you did tell him? You get a chance at saving your life! I guarantee you can’t do this on your own because it’s not possible without help from someone. Paid rehab is not always the best and is money driven for sure but the doctors can put you onto a free treatment center in your area that can offer an assessment and key worker to help you through addiction. Usually they assess you and give you a substitute if needed. I’ve not been to it yet but it sounds like the government is becoming more aware of opioid abuse after genuine injuries or surgery so my guess is you could get some help. Ring the doctors enormously and find out? Anyway, I’m not a doctor or a trained advisor but I do know that getting professional help and opening up to the people you real can trust is your next best and only move to save you as a person. I wish I could talk to you and others that suffer this disease because we share a common illness. Your mother suffered it and she lost that fight! I’m sure if she knew what was going to happen she would have run a mile. Like us all. please excuse my grammar/spelling but I’m working on the smallest screen trying to put a child to bed and change a light bulb