Hi Jacjacjac,
You sound just like me and my situation.
I dont have advice, because I dealt with my situation badly, or at least it felt like I did. My husband is now 4 months clean and its like living with a different person, life is pleasant and calm. No more wondering where he is, what he’s doing, endless paranoia, panic attacks, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach thinking what the hell am I going to do….. I suspect one reason you stay is because you know theres a good person in there, two – he’s the father of your children, three – you dont want to be the reason he self destructs, am I close to the mark?
How did he stop? Well I dont know really, he went out one night, didnt come home (regular occurance) I had been awake since 3am thinking the worst. He strolls in at 7am and I just break down. He sees that i’m not angry, i’m broken. Lightbulb came on and he stopped. HOWEVER, I do feel like i’ve been here before and i’m on tenterhooks thinking he’ll relapse.
I hate the drug, I hate his ‘so-called mates’ who hang off him when he’s using, but don’t actually care about him at all, I hate the fact that I’ve had to live with this on and off for the best part of 10 years (worst in the last 3). I feel angry with occasional users who don’t see the destruction it creates in family homes. I want stricter laws around it, I want to grass any dealer and user I know of to the police, its all consuming.
Theres a great song by Bliss n Eso, called Devil on my shoulder. Its worth a listen, I think its about someone with a drink problem, but it resonated with my husband.
Thinking of you, you’re not alone x