I feel exactly the same B8988.
I cling on to the good times, and I know I did that during the bad times. Not sure that helped. None of my family or his knew about the addiction either, so it was all on my shoulders. I work full time and I was basically a single parent, but worse as I had all the angst. I couldnt leave our daughter with him because I was scared he would do it with her in the house, I couldnt even ask him to collect her from childcare because I dont think he’d have thought twice about driving high. He was also taking diazepam in an effort to hide it from me, except I knew, I always knew and then I knew he was taking something to come down.
I’ve been with him 15 years, 11 years married. He did it occasionally in the past, but it got more regular, then 7 years ago he saw a dr, who he respected, and opened up to. He was put on anti depressants, and for a couple of years he was clean (at that time I fell pregnant) then over the last 5 years its been a rollercoaster. I’m ashamed to say that at points I have been scared of him, too frightened to ask where he’s been for fear of a blow up or the silent treatment. Its turned me into a shell. I’m getting better, but I’m still nervous to not say the wrong thing, even though he’s clean. Old habits die hard so they say.
I could do with seeing a counsellor, would you recommend a particular search criteria?x