My husband would swear on our kids lives that he hadn’t taken coke and he had. He’d never do that straight. The coke makes them horrible! Maybe they rationalise the lying to them self, somehow, or it might be the fact, that they only care about themselves, so they will come first! Again it’s all down to how the drugs have altered the brain! Like you, I used to still take it personally! We react on things we see with our eyes, not what we know to be true, if that makes sense?
Well the first time I officially caught my husband using, last year, I’d just found out I was pregnant for the 5th time, all my children are young, so I definitely didn’t want that crap in my house! His behaviour had become unbearable. So I made him leave, that’s when he went on self destruct, that’s when he started adding women on fb, he told everyone he hated me, didn’t want to be with me and was doing everything he could to maintain his addiction.
He even said now that at the time he thought it would be great to be single and get a flat, so he could take all the drugs he wanted, without having to hide. Anyway his plan backfired as he lost his job due to being drug tested. He had to go and live with his dad 2 hours away in rural wales.
Well my first mistake was taking the kids to visit him nearly every weekend, at first he promised to change saying you couldn’t get coke out there and he was lovely for the first few weeks, then his mood become awful again. He didn’t want us to visit, when we did he was being secretive on his phone, but still he denied taking anything! Final straw come was when he stole his dads expensive sports car and crashed it whilst intoxicated. So his dad made him leave.
He then came home and was clean for 6 months, in time for me to have the baby, but relapsed hard at Christmas. He became awful instantly, it’s amazing how quickly their mindset changes. He spent all our mortgage money on coke, he was sleeping rough in our garage, it was horrendous! So I sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away.
He didn’t know anyone there, so it was the perfect opportunity to change, plus there was loads of drug support centres. It become apparent, he only went for me and was still using drugs, he even starting taking ecstasy ???
After that I thought “ no matter what I do, he uses, no matter where he lives, he uses”. He was taking anything just to feel not normal.
That’s when I made the decision not to be with him anymore. I ended it. This time I didn’t message him, or reply to his messages about the kids. He even tried to send hurtful ones in hope that I’d bite, but I could see he was seeking attention. I wasn’t prepared to give it him. So he made the decision for himself to change. He said I scared him that much he couldn’t eat, sleep and he cried for days. He said not being with us was worse than the high of the drug.
So far, so good. The change in him this time compared to his last 6 month clean, is massive. This time he isn’t using anything! I think that’s key, last time he was still taking codeine, he had an addiction to prescription drugs too, so I thought stopping coke would stop the craziness and it did, but whilst he was still taking codeine, his personality didn’t return to normal, he still had no empathy etc. Now he’s back to pre drug days. Which is lovely.
Even if I didn’t stay with him, I’d have always wanted him to get clean for our kids, but I realised that had to come from him and no one else. So until they reach that decision there really isn’t anything you can do. Xx