Hi Danman83,
Thanks for your post. Yes I do agree with you in a way about dealers. They are providing a service to addicts but I so wish they were really hard to find when in fact the opposite is true in my area. No my son doesn’t have any children or a partner. It’s such a shame because before the drugs he was very handsome – blond with a flashing smile & pure white teeth. To see him now you’d hardly believe it was the same person. No self esteem, slovenly, unkempt, and his once gorgeous teeth are discoloured. His skin looks ashen and when he walks he shuffles along like an old man, all hunched and crest fallen. He’s tall – 6’ 5” and there was a time when he strode our, tall and proud but not now. My grandson started ‘proper’ primary school today after completing his reception year last year. My daughter told me it was so emotional seeing her boy looking smart & growing up so fast. Sadly I was at work so missed it but she’s taken photos. When we finished chatting on the phone I broke down in floods of tears as the memories of my ‘little’ (now 39) boy looking just as smart and proud all those years ago in his uniform. So much hope and ambition for him all blown apart by damned drugs. I would be so happy if he would just make the tiny step of saying to himself “not as much today” and draw on every ounce of strength to do what is asked if him to have another chance of rehab. It’s just too hard for him and there are days when I could throttle him for his lack of willpower. I know for addicts others see only black or white – you choose to do or you choose not to do. But it’s complex and I’m sure my son has convinced himself it’s not worth trying if he’s going to relapse again. He always looks so sad. I could perhaps understand more if I could see using makes him silly or giggly or playful but using only seems to add to his feelings of depression and helplessness. I’m trying to learn as much as I can but I’m at a loss to understand it all. Thank you again for reading my all too frequent rants but like so many others I really don’t have anyone to share my burden with.