I’m from the Wirral. My son is supposed to be calling to see me for tea today but as it is also his benefits day he might not come as pay day is ‘party day’ when all his money goes on more drugs. I have tried to help him with his finances. Not enabling but asking him to make sure he pays his bills, gets food, do his washing and then and only then use the balance for his supply if he must. He will nod and say “I will Mum” but never does so all his money is spent on benefits day then it’s back to the street begging to sustain him until his next payment and on and on it goes. My husband (his stepdad) doesn’t trust him an inch and watches him like a hawk when he visits as we do have a lot of lovely (and saleable) things that we have both worked hard for throughout our 19 year marriage. He had last year climbed through an open window whilst hubby was out briefly walking our late dog to retrieve £20 he’d left on our mantelpiece to mind for him as he said he “Couldn’t wait for one of us to come back home”. I was amazed and relieved one of the neighbours didn’t spot him and call the police as he would have been straight back in prison. That was another experience I never want repeating. It was dreadful seeing him in there and again knowing that the money we were sending him was being used to buy spice rather than for essentials at the ‘tuck shop’. A few months ago after briefly reconciling his birth dad took the high ground and said he’d sort him out “no problem” and took him to the shops. He paid for a new smartphone, clothes, household electrical items etc etc etc then went home confident that he’d “turned our son around” and achieved what I, his Mum, couldn’t. Needless to say the sellable items went within hours & I don’t think he ever got round to charging the new mobile phone let along use it! Of course his father has now disowned him so that’s another person he’s alienated. When (hopefully) I’ll see him later my heart will lurch again and I know I’ll end up pleading with him again to just stop and try and think what he’s doing to himself and his quality of life. He’ll say (as he always does) “I know Mum” and will then (after a meal and shower) leave and return to the life he prefers to live. I will wash his dishes, go to bed, get little sleep then rise again to go to work & slip on my “smiley” mask hiding my ‘other life’ from colleagues and clients.
My joy this week will come from seeing my beloved grandson on Thursday for tea. His unconditional love, smiles, giggles & hugs for his Nanna keeps me going and gives me a burst of continued strength to deal with my sadness. His Mum and I hardly mention my son when we are near him (grandson) and it’s not right but what else can we do?
I was adopted at 2 yrs of age and my late parents gave me a fabulous childhood and moulded me & gave me inner strength & fortitude to deal with most problems in life. I am a survivor but the situation with my son has beaten me into the ground and I get so angry sometimes because I can’t fix it and make his pain go away when I feel I should as his Mum. But the addiction is stronger than I, more cunning, more devious and unrelenting with its grip on my boy. I’ll let you know how it goes later. Thanks again for reading. I have just re-read this and it sounds very self pitying so I’m sorry got that.