Try not to beat yourself up about it. You have admitted you have a problem which is good. I get why you dont want to go to the docs and i dont blame you. But if it gets worse, id go the hospital.
It sounds like you have underlying problems from your parents passing away , to why your having so much. Which you obviously know. So could you not go to your docs and ask for some bereavement councilling. That would be a good start
I have a coke problem as well. Im having it once a month and ive cut down alot and ive learned a lot of coping skills you could say to help me.
So what you need to do and do it asap.
Delete all dealers nums, friends who use, fam who use. Come off social media! Im not on fb or insta. Believe me you feel better. That stuff is poison.
No alcohol what so ever as this leads to coke! Avoid places were you picked up coke!
Do you know what though, you should be proud of yourself, with the children you are taking on. Not many people would. Turn your negatives in to positives. This is great what you are doing. These kids need you. Believe in your self, tommorow is a new day and start thinking positive.
You need now to do some new hobbies are something to replace the coke. Write a list down and do them each day, especially when u get cravings. Walk, park, paint with the kids. Build things with the kids.
Its perfect for you this now, you can do so many activities with the kids to keep you busy.
Weekends when they are in bed, read a book or something or tv series binge. To keep your mind active. I listen to cocaine recovery stories on you tube they help alot.
I guess when your a few month clean then get your nose sorted. Then if any problems you can do a test and prove your clean. But do not use anymore because of your nose. Feel free to ask me anything