I am so sorry to hear your story. Jesus, 4 years? I did a year. That was enough for me. Where i am right now is single. My boyfriend has for the first time ever, sought PROFESSIONAL help. He is due to start drug substitution and counselling. This is a massive step for him, at his age. But this is his journey, and I have told him, I am on my own journey of recovery, from him. I have remained strong, but kind. And I think he finally realises what he’s lost. He even said ‘I have hit rock bottom.’ It’s the cliche, but it’s the truest one you’ll hear.
If you want inspiration, remember this: it takes more strength to walk away than it does to stay in a toxic relationship. If you have a phone, find an app called Mend, it will really help you.
Are you strong enough to do another 4 years of this?
Do you trust him (I can answer this for you, no you don’t).
If he IS selling himself, you need to protect yourself physically or you may contract something from him.
Do not feel shame. You have tried to love and support him, and the nature of a drug addict is to be drawn to this, because they need it. But they are like vampires, they will drain you.. not intentionally.. but drugs just does this, to him and you.
Try putting some boundaries in place for yourself, for your own protection. I blocked my chap, and he REMAINS blocked. If I feel I can’t cope bumping into him, I avoid those places. I don’t look at old photos or replay things in my head. I am healing myself.. I am loving myself.. you have to think of it as HE is your addiction and you have to break free. So do whatever you can to protect yourself.
Listen more to your head and less to your head. You don’t have to be ruled by your emotions and you don’t have to act on them.. missing him? You can ride it out.. same as any emotion you struggle with. It won’t last forever.
Visit a site called addaction. Google them, and look for the online chat. They have professional people you can talk to.
Let me know how you get on.