Hope your ok kel, but 1st of.. dont even think about taking your life for your husbands actions, especially when you have children. Would you really want them be left with him? Try and be strong i know its hard. But we all know kids come 1st.
Plus none of this is your fault! Cocaine makes you make so many excuses just to get coke. Its called emotional relapse. Its just an excuse to go get coke. Depending on the situation.
So stop blaming youself. We make our own decisions in life. You didnt force him to do it.
He wont change until he is ready to. I know you dont want to hear this. But you are best off out of there kel, and you really need to stop listening to his bullshit, rise above it, show him you are not bothered. Let your hair down and go out with a friend and try and be happy. I know its easier said then done but your just gonna make yourself worse.
Im struggling with coke as well. But mine is just a weekend thing or every few week. I hate the stuff. And i am trying so much to stop. I even downloaded a yoga app last night so im going to try that this week.
There is so much you can do to stop or control it. He just needs to want to.