Hello Lola,
I completely understand where you are coming from. The father of my little boy is addicted to cocaine and constantly hides it from me. he has been an addict since he was 18 and is soon to turn 31 (even though we are not in a relationship we still live together pending the sale of our property) There would be times i would pick up his trousers and rolled up notes and straw would tumble out and it would break my heart. I felt like he was the love of my life and he was all i had, but that not true. it took me a long time to figure it out. I’m not saying to spilt with him but you need to also think of yourself. you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. its so hard when people say that and i hated it, but its so true. We went to groups but it only made him worse as he thought that he was better than everyone else there and that he didn’t really have a problem. if your other half wants to go to the groups brilliant! And if it has worked previously then even better. Support him by talking to him about the group and the people he met there. Suggest to do something after the group that made you both happy before like going for a walk or a drive afterwards. there is something about a little road trip and talking in the car that helps as you are not directly looking at each other and can focus on the road ahead and you will soon see the words come out.
I was complicit in taking the drug with him for around the 6 out of 10 years we were together. he introduced me to it and it was fun at first but then it was every other day he was taking it, he would even do a line before work to get himself through the day. i was stuck in a rut and had the feeling of “well if you can’t beat them, join them” and that was the worse advise i could give to myself. Stop while you can and if you can, it wasn’t until i had our baby that it all stopped for me. i focused on the little life inside me and i didn’t want a child to grow up having any difficulties as i would only blame myself forever.
Everyone’s stories and situations are different, but self care and looking after yourself takes a back seat when living with someone with an addiction. Do something for yourself, take a long bath or re connect with a friend. I also found that writing everything down and keeping a journal helped me as i would write to myself and figure out that he has his own journey and so do it. sometimes they just don’t go in the same direction no matter how hard you try.
In my opinion the relationship can only work if he is willing to change. But firstly be that support and be therefore him if he wants to take the step.
I hope this has helped