Hello,
I thought I would jump onto this chat too! I have recently spilt up with the father of my child after 10 years of being together. he is addicted to cocaine and has done it even since he was 18, he is turning 31 soon. he has been in and out of taking the drug, but in reality it has always been there. i always knew that he done it but until we brought a flat together i realised how bad it was.
I constantly thought that if i carried on with a normal way of life, getting a flat together and starting a family would somehow hit a reset button for him. but it just doesn’t work like that. I didn’t dare tell my family about his addiction as i wanted to keep up appearances that we were a “perfect” family, but all I was doing was mentally torturing myself and not looking after me, my son or my mental health. He would blame me for being so persistent on telling him not to do drugs that pushed him further and further into a black hole and i would just sit there beside myself, i have never felt so alone.
Through this whole time my relationship with him wasn’t working and we would just coexist in each other’s company. At times it would get violent towards each other because of the toxicity of the drugs and the amount he was doing. I was surviving on little money trying to pay off every bill we were in arrears with slowly and getting enough food to feed us and our child. Trying to keep up appearances of bringing up a child and being a good mum. Constantly posting on social media a life that really wasn’t what I was living.
We are still living together pending the sale of our flat that I was so desperately trying to keep hold of. But the reality is, it needs to go. I need a fresh start and somewhere that doesn’t hold the screams and sorrow in the walls. The option to buy him out was not accepted as in his words “if I’m going down, you’re going down with me” and that’s fine. But what he doesn’t realise that now he’s gone, its only up from here.
It has taken me a loooong time to realise what is the most important thing to me. and that’s me and my son. You need to look after yourself even how hard that might seem right now. Try to write down the things that make you happy even if its something small like watching a TV series or having a bath, and try to do at least one thing that day.
I am coming to a end of a chapter, but i am scared as to what lies ahead. I am scared that if he looks after my little boy ever night will he be doing drugs? what would he do if anything happened to our little boy and he was too intoxicated to do anything about it. My son is the only good thing that has come out of our relationship. I feel a lot of guilt for my son. To begin with I resented the fact that me and his dad were so rubbish and it must be having children that ruin a relationship but that’s not the case it was the addiction and the relationship that i was forcing that ruins the partnership. my son is the light at the end of the tunnel. The reason why I changed, and I didn’t even see it.
If he is willing to get help, then let him do exactly that. Support him by asking him about the group and the people he met there. Maybe do something after that both previously made you happy, go for a walk or a drive. I find that going on a road trip helps as you don’t have the intensity of looking at each other and the words just come out. But you need to understand that it doesn’t just stop straight away, there will be bumps and you need to be there to guide him in the right direction. My mistake that i feel i was making was i told him how to feel and what to do instrad of just asking him and listening.