I hope you are ok. Sounds like the kind of nightmare most of us are enduring. In answer to your questions – you absolutely will reach a crossroads where you will make a decision and won’t have to think twice or question yourself. And you will make it on your own, sounds like you pretty much so anyway so there won’t be much difference.
Anyway I just wanted to reply so you know we are here and if you need to talk pop back. Big hugs xx