What you describe about what has happened and how it affects and confuses you – resonates so very deeply with me. I wish I could send you a massive hug . We ‘ feel’ and acknowledge our emotions .
I do not feel able to describe in detail, my journey with my addict ( who is my husband). But I know we have periods of stability, love and respect which makes our marriage a wonderful place to be for me – and I believe fit my husband. Then, every so often, fairly ‘ out of the blue’ I will notice subtle changes / signs that substances are back in our marriage again. I am honest and will always try to calmly, and with respect and love, voice my observations but try not to ever lecture or judge. More recently I have been consistent with myself and my husband in being self – protective and refusing to play along with denials, deception, lies and ‘ gaslighting’. – and his self pity. He has learnt over time that When I see him hurting, it breaks my heart but he has In the past been able to manipulate me as he knows I am ‘ soft’ and I love him. My husbands Usual pattern of behaviour is to ‘ hide’ his relapse from me, but he becomes sneaky, secretive and careless and when I confront him he will try to deny and minimise his behaviour. When He realises that I will no longer fall for these lies and his excuses about why he ‘ relapsed’ – he becomes self pitying, withdrawn and cold. He almost becomes ‘ submissive’ in his behaviour- keeping saying he is ‘ sorry ‘ and he loves me and ‘ he understands how I must be feeling!!’. I’ve heard him say ‘ you don’t deserve this – you will be better off without me ‘ so many times. With current lockdown, he is less able to repeat all of past behaviours – as typically, he will become withdrawn and cold and will then leave/ disappear, worry me stupid – refuse to ans er calls / texts (I always ask him just to let me know he is Safe) then he will send me rambling cryptic messages alluding to self – harm and sucide. I now realise that he is always ‘ off his face’ at these time’s and Uses being away from me and out home as an opportunity to heavily indulge in substance use. I will not hear from him for ages and he will often leave and stay away for days or weeks. It has made me seriously ill with stress, hurt and upset in the past . I have called the police on more than one occasion when he convinced me he was going to OD or kill himself some other way and refused to tell me where he was So I could help him/ rescue him. But I now realise that for my husband it is a pattern of behaviour that is selfish and driven by his need and urge to follow his addiction. I know that in his own way he loves me, but I have realised that until now his addiction and the behaviours that go with it will override his feelings for me as his relationship with the addiction is more powerful than his love for me. I hope and pray that at some point he will choose to try to manage his addiction and behaviour , but I recognise that this is not easy for him , so I have, (with help, support and strength form ‘ Adfam’ and from the family and friends who truly love me )learnt how to focus on not letting his addiction destroy me and my relationship with the other important people in my life.
I am sorry if my reply is rambling and if I sound ‘ hard hearted’. It has taken me years to start to be self protective and learn that I cannot ‘ save him’ . What you are going through is so confusing, painful, disorientating and difficult. You sound like a wonderful caring person who is understandably so worried about her partner and Who has done everything possible to try and understand, love and support him. It is so hard when our love and support is met with rejection and coldness from the Ones we love.
Please,if you can, allow yourself to get through this time by doing things to nurture and look after you. Caring for, loving and constantly worrying about an addicted loved one is so very exhausting and draining. Please, please use the support of this wonderful network. I am generally a strong, confident and bubbly person. But for years I tried to ‘ hide’ the reality of our marriage form others. I became fairly isolated and quite unwell. Without this wonderful support from Adfam and reading the experiences of all the people going through similar, I know I would still be trying to protect and cover up for my husband, and I would not have goind the strength to look after myself. This is the first time I have been on the forum page and find it reassuring that there are so many of us who are caring, loving people -please know you are not on your own.
Sending you lots of strength, love and honest understanding xx