Thank you so much for your reply.
I know my current feelings will not help anybody, I am a total believer that negative feelings affect you more than anyone else but feel unable to redirect them at the moment. But it does help to have people reaffirm this to me, for that I thank you and I know I will reach that phase at some point.
He has been to hospital many times, has phone support from AA, attended meetings in person before. Had support from individuals that have been through the same thing and come out the other side & spoken to his GP on many occasions. He’s been unable to hold a coherent conversation for the last week, how they are supposed to take anything in when they are drunk is impossible to imagine.
I contacted Al Anon the weekend and spoke to a lovely lady that let me cry and vent. It did release some of the frustration I was feeling.
I also know I am powerless to do anything about it and the only person that can help him is him. We have been ‘weening’ him off the alcohol for a few days, but as he has no work or anything else to answer too as he is furloughed, it’s like he cannot be bothered to continue cutting down and has carte blanch to continue. I have seem him do it so many times where he drinks because he’s between jobs, cuts back and stops drinking because he has to go to work, I know its a disease of body and mind but I have seen him choose to stop and get better in a controlled way, just when it suits. This is not me belittling alcoholism and the power it has, just what I have experienced with my partner, hence why I know when his daughter visits Friday he will have sorted himself, otherwise he would lose access. So it very much feels like there is a degree of choice. He chooses to get drunk around my children and then sobers for his own, naturally I feel angry on behalf of my children and myself. I know people will be thinking its not a choice, and I do agree that the addiction is definitely not a choice, finding the strength from within when it suits is though because I see it happen. I am only talking from what I am experiencing and am not judging or saying other addicts ‘choose’ in this way, maybe my mind is clouded by the devastation I am currently feeling.
Thank you once again for your kind words and encouragement.