It was probably writing everything down in this forum that made something inside me flip from anger to reasonable. It was like my anger totally subsided yesterday afternoon. We had a conversation in the evening and he told me how relieved he was that I seemed calm and supportive. I know anger is unhelpful and actually destructive but I couldn’t help my anger. Rereading my post today made me cry to realise how I was feeling only yesterday and days before that. I feel love and concern for him again. It was horrible last night not knowing when it’s appropriate to call an ambulance in these situations and I might be letting him die because I don’t know what I’m doing. Him pointing out spiders on the wall that don’t exist, people that he can see or asking if I can hear that noise.
The hospital have given him meds to stop withdrawal symptoms, he sounds exhausted, but like he’s there again and the drink is gone. He’s had an X-ray on his stomach and they told him there is an issue but they haven’t told him what yet. Hopefully something that will not be permanent, but I can’t stop myself feeling like he deserves it after the way he’s just tortured his body and mind. I can’t imagine putting mine through that & expecting to come out unscathed time and time again.
I cannot imagine being seven years into repeating the same cycle, yet every time he comes back from it he is still the man I fell in love with, that dotes on me and the children. I just don’t know what the answer is my hope is up and down at the moment. This was one of his more significant episodes. My heart goes out to you, I feel like I’m grieving each time this happens and can only imagine you feel the same. I hate the children being exposed to this. So many conflicting thoughts to process and the lies are so damaging, it’s a roller coaster of rebuilding your relationship and life, for them to kick the crap out of it whenever it’s fitting for them. I know its not that simple but that is the effect it has.
Thank you so much for your comments, I feel talking here has really helped me to unburden my feelings and gain a little clarity. Love and best wishes.