Hi Addgg13,
First of all, well done for getting completely sober, you sound like a huge inspiration to many and I can’t imagine how tough it’s been. I think a lot of us on here would give anything for our partners to have done what you have, and also realise your mistakes too. I’m sorry to hear you have lost your wife, I think she probably had got to her ‘breaking’ point a while ago and decided to move on. That’s not to say now though you cannot do the same. You will feel immense hurt for the life you have lost, and I think she will still care a lot, and you can only do what you are doing …keep proving to her you are sober and you have changed, but in the meantime don’t hang on to the hope you will get your family unit and ‘old’ life back, I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason, so maybe if you went back to your old life, it may trigger you to relapse further down the line. I think the best thing you can do now is start a new leaf, try to keep focusing forward on the things YOU want to do with your new sober life, and I’m sure you meet someone along the way who will make you just as happy, if not happier. It’ll take time but you should be proud of yourself for getting this far.
For me, I’m trying to do the same but on the other side of things. My partner left me very suddenly a few weeks ago after relapsing on alcohol and coke, after a year of being clean. He had a complete personality change, has become very withdrawn and cold and doesn’t even want to know me anymore… when only just weeks ago we were very happy together and he always told me how much he adored me. I haven’t heard from him since and it’s now been a month. I know I’m essentially dealing with two different people, and I’m having a real hard time grieving the loss of the loyal loving guy I had just weeks ago. For us ‘non-addicts’, it’s hard to understand how if someone loves you, how you can just switch so quickly and suddenly have no emotion, but I have to keep remembering when in the grip of things, he can’t control his desire to satisfy his addict, even if it means pushing loved ones out of the way. I’m not sure if he has left me to carry on using or to concentrate on getting back on track, but I know I just have to leave him to it now regardless of how I feel.
The only thing I can do, like what I said to you, is to just keep looking forward and not on the things we have lost. Easier said than done I know. For me, I know that my boyfriend will probably take some years to be completely clear headed, luckily no children or shared properties are involved so I guess it makes it easier to walk away. And I know deep down I should, but it’s so hard because I know the sober him loves me very much and wants a future with me. But I also know I deserve better than being treated like this everytime he fancies a binge or whatever. I know there is someone else out there for me, and you should remind yourself of this too. All hope is not lost, you are healthy and clearminded now, you have beautiful children and you now have every opportunity to build another wonderful life.
I hope this helps somewhat 🙂