Hey Kklost,
I know how you must be feeling, you sound like a strong cookie.
If I didn’t have a child with my husband I wouldn’t still be here. He is clean now, 5 months, however the fear of it returning is crushing still. If he ever snaps at me I immediately think he’s done it. He hasn’t, and I have tested him, he suggests it! Because he now knows what it did to me.
My husband has been on and off it for years, recreationally, and then it took hold. He was hiding it from me (or trying to) by using diazepam, although I still knew. He’s a different person when he’s using, he can’t see it, but I can. I can even tell by the tone of a text now, i’m so fine tuned to him. He hasnt drunk alcohol since December, alcohol tends to be a trigger. He’s distanced himself from the circles of friends he had that do it.
This is new for you, don’t let it define you. Find strength in your closest friends, I have never told my parents, they wouldnt understand.
You are not alone, there are – unfortunately – many people in your boat.
Sending love x