I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are also going through this shock and disbelief. I am just keeping going ‘ day – by day’ and even ‘hour- by -hour’ . I am very lucky that I have good family who love me ( all of whom would happily see my Husband locked up and throw away the key however!) . I do not know how I ‘feel’ right now. I am so used to ‘sorting everything out’ and being the ‘ sensible’ one in our marriage that I feel so very guilty that me husband is in ‘ air bnb’ and seems to be struggling to come to terms with how serious this problem has become. I recognise that for the past few days my home feels calm, safe and like a ‘ sanctuary’. Last night I had my parents over for tea ( socially distanced in the back garden – thank goodness for the early summer at least!) which is the first time I’ve been able to have family or friends over, without being on edge , for 2 years or more. And I actually slept well last night for the first time in a while!! I can honestly see how much I’ve been ‘ on edge’ all the time at home for longer than I can remember. Whilst, as I say I feel so desperately sad for my husband and the mess he is now in, it is honestly such a relief to feel safe from the tension and risk of ‘ intoxicated behaviuor’. He is telling me how terribly sorry he is and that he is determined to change and I really want to support him, if I can, to sort himself out, but I have a knot in my stomach when I think of how far there is to go for us to rebuild our marriage, I feel drained and exhausted and know I am just not strong enough right now to manage anything other than ‘ keeping going’ and getting stronger in myself. Deep down I feel so guilty as I have good support , and a secure job, a home, and the motivation to rebuild a happy life. But I guess I don’t want to abandon my husband to a life of addiction and misery, but I know I cannot be around it any more. He has got to sort himself out. If he wants to and if he can. I can’t do it any more. I don’t know how to sort out the practicalities of future living arrangements, finances etc- I don’t know where to start as we have been together for 15 years. I don’t know how to strike the balance between being reasonable and fair ( to him) / being harsh and doing what’s ‘ best for me’/ and acting as his ‘rescuer’. ….. not sure if that makes any sense at all…… just a bit confused as this is Unchartered territory I suppose. I have tried to call a helpline today and will continue to seek some professional/ practical advice and suggestions from someone with experience In these matters. When I spoke to my husbands drug counsellor after the recent ‘ incident’ I accepted the offer to be referred to a ‘ family support’ service – and I have heard from them today ( and I rambled on and on to the person who called me – She was very patient and took my details down – and said a support worker will be in touch. I think I always talk too much when I am nervous and I also guess I like to sound as though I’m ‘ in control’ of matters – so I probably sounded like I had been ‘ on something myself’.Note to self – must try to remember when just to stop talking!! 🙂 ) . I hope if I can speak to the support worker ( without babbling like a fool!) it might help me to navigate A way forward/ explore ‘ options’ as well as ‘pros and cons’ ……. as I imagine everyone on this forum knows that this is so very hard and confusing. Thank you again for listening. Please everyone take care and stay safe. I will be watching out for your updates. Thankyou all for sharing your own experiences and advice. I will do the same as it helps me so much to write it all down and I hope to pass on any useful ‘ tips’ as I find what works for me X
