I think it is so hard not to question and not feel able to trust after he has lied to you. The lies my husband told me made me turn into someone I don’t really like. In the end the way I found out he was taking cocaine was looking through his messages and bank statements. The fact is he lied about the money and I believed him – he would be lending it to a mate, spending it on fruit machines, losing his wallet. When he was late home he didn’t text because he ran out of battery, he didn’t realise the time, he thought he had told me… oh and when none of those lies worked he told me it was because there is no point coming home to me when all I give him is a hard time.
The fact is he has had to become a very good liar. I wonder if he even knows the truth these days. Over lock down he has got worse in his cocaine useage. During my talk with him 2 weeks ago I told him to look at himself. He looks thin and unhealthy. I told him that his drug abuse was so obvious to everyone. I said it to try and get him to see what was happening to him. The only things I see after that discussion is more lies – taking cocaine during the day so that he could sleep at night instead of sleeping till 5/6pm was the first thing he tried. He pretended that he had stopped but I can tell from his eyes and his speech that he hadn’t. Now he has been eating tubs of icecream (7 tubs in one week) and cakes and cream. I know he is trying to put on weight so that his boss won’t notice his drug use!!!
Honestly it’s funny seeing him and his lies now. Whenever he is high he doesn’t look me in the eyes when he talks to me! he thinks he can hide it even though there is so little point now in him doing that.
Perhaps tests will make you feel more secure and helping him to keep going to meetings I am sure is important. if he is struggling with depression and sleeping all day it is natural that you would be questioning if it’s cocaine use as they are the usual signs. You have to question it and you have to put in boundaries so that you feel safe for your children going forward.