Ive read your post and it makes me feel really sad because sadly I’ve been through this myself and still going thru it.
When you say you don’t want to be here, I am assuming this situation? Although I get it, it’s so emotive that it can overwhelm you totally. Me and my now ex was together for 22 years and I loved him with all my heart. Sadly though we separated because of the lies, deceitfulness and all the negative behaviour that comes along with it. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, verbally abused and accused/blamed that it’s all my fault. In the end I had a break down hence why we ended.
I couldn’t function initially, however six months down the line I’m back to work. I’m not recovered as I think it will take years.
COCAINE destroys people, it changes them into a pit of never ending destruction.
Try to detach if possible, talk to friends and family, please don’t isolate yourself as this is his shame and not yours.
There is no point reacting to an addict active in it because it’s like hitting your head against a brick wall. They will lie and lie and lie.
None of this is your fault. You can ask him to see his GP and steer him in the direction of his local Drug service but in honesty he has to want to get help himself.