Hi Shan1234,
Your story really resonates with mine so I can completely understand how you’re feeling. I had been with my boyfriend for a similar amount of time, and we were in a loving, happy and committed relationship. When we got back together (we had broken up a few years prior due to drugs), he had been clean for a few months and was fully committed to this ‘new life’ and staying sober. However, he relapsed a few months ago and struggled even more so having to go into lockdown away from me. I tried to support him, but I couldn’t help but get angry and upset when he would get blind drunk as I knew he was choosing to go down this path again. This then led to him being distant breaking up with me abruptly, telling me he ‘doesn’t know what he wants’ and that he doesn’t love me and needs to be on his own. Which came a shock to me when just a couple of weeks prior he was gushing about how much he adored me. None of it made sense. I sent him endless messages of support even though I was hurt, I got stonewalled. So I then decided to stand up for myself, and I got hurled loads of abuse back, with him telling me that I’m the one who needs help, I’m selfish etc.
We haven’t spoken since and it’s now been over a month. I’m still waiting for him to get in contact, and I have no idea why. I’m beside myself every day worrying about him as I know he’s just gone down that hole again and I’m so confused with the sudden loss of emotion, no remorse and no interest in resolving our relationship when he said it meant everything to him just weeks ago. I too am completely heartbroken, there is no understanding or rationalising their actions.
I’ve been doing a lot of research in these past few weeks into cocaine and relapses. I think what I’ve come to realise is how much I underestimated the power that it plays on an addicts mind and alters their thought processes. You can’t rationalise what they do. Once they’re in the grip of it again, nothing else matters. If, like my partner, he saw you as a hinderance to him living ‘that life’ again and going on a binge, he will just shut you out and your feelings will not even come into consideration, they will not care. I only know this from previous conversations I’ve had with my boyfriend. I think deep down they do love us in their own way, but can’t cope with life so will just shut it out completely rather than deal with it.
I think it’s really important during this time to surround yourself with a support network. I think you should confide in at least one person you can trust, if not use this forum or call a helpline. My boyfriend has done this to me twice now over a four year period, so I think, regardless of if he comes back to me and apologise in the future, I think for my own sanity I need to keep moving forward because a life with an addict will always be painful and unpredictable, and I’ve had to learn the hard way. I am not saying you should give up on your boyfriend completely, but just weigh up your options. Maybe write him a letter saying that you will always love him and you are ready to support him when he’s ready, so you’ve left that open line of communication, but don’t wait around for him to change. Whilst we don’t have children and financial ties, I think it’s really important to put ourselves first and really realise what we need and deserve, which I don’t think we will get from our partners in the long term.
I’m here if you need to reach out, it’s a difficult journey. x