Hey TottiG,
I’ve read your story, and didn’t want to read and go. First off, I’d like to acknowledge just how brave you are to share with us on here and I hope you get the support you need. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it’s been for you, it sounds like hell – and I’ve been through my own kind of hell with my now ex partner and that drug!
I do understand what you mean about losing everything, as I think I’d feel the same way. I think you have to weigh up what’s going to keep you sane and safe in the end. Can you change the locks when he is out, and get an injunction? Is the house in both names? Even so, it sounds as though he is abusive so that doesn’t even matter! Living life that way must be as though you’re walking on eggshells!
Luckily enough mine ran off when I asked him to leave and is horrible to me/us from a far. I remember those days when I’d get the anger, mood swings, blame, accusations, the stares and all the rest of it – it was as though he hated me! Made me feel confused and intimidating, so I can’t for one second consider how you must be doing, especially with the lockdown situation!
Have you told family and friends? I told everyone in the end, after hiding it for so long. I felt so alone prior to that. I kept believing all the lies that he’d change, but each day was the same. It’s heartbreaking! It’s been six months for me and he is still the same walking about blaming me etc. He is selfish/ they are selfish and so in the end I think it makes us internalise the situation! I’m definitely traumatized over it all and I think I always will be. My story is on here somewhere.
Take care. I’m here if you need to talk.