Hey Kate
OK let’s take a step back and break this down to try and be as helpful as possible.
To start with it’s helpful to understand what you can control and what you can’t.
Things you can control:
Whether you give your son money so he can carry on
Whether you stay in contact with him when he is being abusive and demanding money
Whether you take steps to get support and make sure that You are supported, looked after and have somewhere to go when this gets too much.
Practical suggestions here
No more giving him money. Clearly outline this to him. You can do this verbally, and then follow up with a message, letter or email clearly outlining what you have said. Equally important is you telling him. How you feel. Whether he accepts this or not is his problem, your side of the street is clean and nothing has been left unsaid.
Contact – this is very hard, but unless he wants to do something to change this, you may need to cut contact off. Logically it is not doing you any good at all, you are being abused all constantly. No one should have to tolerate that.
Support wise. You know you can post here and there is support any time. I also suggest a counsellor for you and dealing with the impact on you personally. You can also work on coping techniques here as well. Also, take the time to learn about cocaine addiction. This is for You not him. Understanding it, what addicts are like and how they behave while active will quickly help you make sense of what is going on. There are tons of videos on YouTube, forums and web resources to start with this. Once you learn this stuff you will know what he doesn’t.
What you can’t control:
His addiction. You are powerless over this. The only person who can change that is him.
His financial situation. Unfortunately this comes hand in hand with addiction. Think logically, you bailing him out hasn’t impacted this positively in any way, it’s enabling him to carry on unaware of the damage he is doing.
Finally you cannot control whether he wants to change or not. There is nothing you can do to jump start this. It has to come from within him. The idea that he can be rescued is a fantasy, albeit a very sad and painful one.
Start working on these things. Logically you are in recovery yourself from his addiction and the damage its doing you – this is going to require work on your part and facimg some really painful truths, but you do have support and you can get through this.
Finmy never ever forget none of this is your fault.