Thanks so much. Yes, we’ve talked about these things before. He refused support groups in the past, but he is open to it now. He does want to stop and he does want help as he has come to realize he just can’t do it on his own, so it is an improvement.
I am not going to lose my sanity, if this was to happen, it would already have happened. I suffer immensely as I’m isolated and had no one to confide in before and I’m really tired but I’m a strong person. I left my mom’s house when I was 15 to escape a cult she was in, so I know about survival. This is the story of my life. I just like to vent. I know you say people care and maybe some do but I know for a fact no one will care where I live. It is meth land, they’re all busy being on it, coming down from it or busy trying to find it.
It’s also pill land, of course, but meth is the big popular thing. It’s everywhere, you’ll find it in our shared bathroom of the complex, sparkly dust on the side of the sink. ALL our immediate neighbours are either on meth or pills, usually both, and also alcohol, if not just alcoholics since we also live next to a Pub. The police is always around, busting and arresting people. So no, I don’t want to get close to nobody here. I just work, go to the store, walk my dogs, go back inside, that’s it. The landlord’s son himself went to crash on my neighbour’s bed yesterday (door was open), going through withdrawals from meth. He is a heavy user. This is the daily activity here. You just open your door and it’s there, right in your face.
We have been trying to move to a better place before but couldn’t, we tried hard, also I was the only source of income for a while too, because of his medical condition and going through withdrawals, so we were lucky to afford even the bills to not be homeless…
I love him. Messed up or not, he is the love of my life. I am not saying this because I’m sick in the head or dependent or have issues. I LOVE him. And I am not going to Ever leave him, because he’s sick. I am not going to give him an ultimatum. Like I said, I’m just tired and a lot of the times disgusted too, of course I have extreme feelings. I guess it’s natural if you’re sane… we’re humans… We all have feelings. To share my feelings helps, I had nowhere to do that to before and also don’t want to confide to anyone I know, period.
I have started looking at other peoples’ testimonies and will continue, I am sure this will help too.
Wherever this is going, I am there with him and for him. Nowadays people just quit, find someone else/or not, but just leave. I don’t give up. I truly love him and will help him however I can. He never left a wounded soldier on the battlefield himself. I will not leave him behind. And I will also keep sharing my feelings, because it helps too, even if I say crazy things or just rambling.
__This morning he woke up, took his pill bottle and headed out the door to the store. Came back, asking me where his pill bottle is, asking me if I’m ‘messing’ with him. I said no, I don’t know where it is. I am not even crying anymore. My heart rate is not even elevated. I am too tired to be mad. I care but I guess I realize, after the initial blow, that going off the deep end is not going to accomplish anything for me at this point.
A few minutes later, he says he believes I did not hide the bottle, he just had a moment of paranoia. I have no idea where it is. Now he is running around trying to find it. He says he is most concerned because if someone else finds it and takes some, not knowing what it is, it could kill them, and he doesn’t want that to happen. I know he means it. That’s who he is. He will strip naked so someone can have some clothes to put on. He wants it back for him but he also cares about what could happen to someone else…
If he cannot find it, he will contact his Dr to have more. I am glad at least he wants to get help and not just do this on his own anymore. He is a strong willed person himself. I know he can do this.