KKlost –
Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a great deal. I love your conviction. He is currently out of the house. No social services involved. Im healthy. He generally functions fine. He loves his kids, he is like the biggest one. Always wresting and playing but at times not the best role model. Its just his mood that changes sometimes and he has slow muscle reaction in his eyes so he looks like he is falling asleep which I absolutely loath. It makes me physically ill when I see it. This relapse is the calmest of them all. The last one was awful, threatening, calling the cops on me while he was high. It was insane and I feel like I should have left then because of how ugly it was. Somehow he convinced me he would changed and worked his way back in only to come to this place again 1.5 years later…..
Im working on being strong and putting myself first. I think empathy is a stong personality trait but in my case I think it can be harmful too. I worry about him and how it will affect him if we split and not what it could do for me(after going through all the pain of actually splitting of course) if I able to free myself from the pain of being a mother to him, the pain of feeling you dont have a partner to depend on, the anxiety of having to watch his every move(his eyes that show me he is using, the bank account where I see the cash leaving so he can fund his habit), the pain of keeping his secret from family and friends, the shame & embarrassment. Its exhausting, yet I believe his empty apologies and continue on this merry go round hoping for a different outcome. Writing it down makes it look like the decision is easy but when you see your children cry in fear of their parents divorcing, and a baby who cries to see his dad; it breaks me inside. I second guess myself. Is this part of my vow, in sickness and in health? Am I abandoning him because I cant handle the addiction. Im truly struggling.