Hi all
Welcome to the forum Pineapple
I’ve been reading your post, just to let you know that you’re not alone in this. As Debc says, read the other threads too, you’ll get advice and support from others in the same or similar circumstances.
It is vicious cycle, and its very frustrating, and your emotions will be up and down constantly.
What I will say is, look after yourself first and foremost. Google out some 5min meditations, look into Mindfulness, take pleasure in the little things.
My son has restarted his online and face to face aa and ca meetings. So fingers crossed he won’t lapse again on payday.
Take care
Lx