SB2020, I really feel for you darling, I truly do. Why do you care about him, probably the same reason I care about my partner. Because you and I are good people and we love men who, for various reasons are struggling with a boundless addiction. I honestly think it’s the worst thing in the world. I’m not convinced that your guy doesn’t want to save the relationship. I expect, as my guy does, he just wants you to accept him for what he is. Sometimes as terrible as that is, we know they are crack addicts and so do they.
It’s terribly tragic if I really think about me. My partner is highly intelligent, such a people pleaser, gets on with anyone, has the greatest respect for human life, is deeply loyal, even though it’s bit always clear and he does have a heart of gold. I expect yours does too.
The truth is too horrible for them to agree with. And this is where me and my guy are at now. My guy stopped the cold turkey, he’s back to ‘normal’, as dreadful as that is, but not before he became unbearable and we had an almighty row, during which I told him he clearly didn’t care, that he was just a scummy crack addict at the end of the day. The truth hurt him too much. He knows what he is, I expect your guy does too. We are happiest when I don’t fight it, it’s a viscous circle though, we’re better, he’s better, then he uses more because he’s feeling good. Then things intensify again, he gets slimmer again, gets more irritable.
Thanks also for your suggestion of confronting him. When I do this I’m always met with the same answers, he believes he can give up if he wanted to, but doesn’t, or that of course he wants to give up and it’s just a matter of time, but that he doesn’t feel the magnitude of how hard that actually is, not at that exact moment. And/or that time just never comes.
I’m at the point now where even though I still hope one day that day will come, he’ll break free, his body will heel and his brain will be kind to him. I just think that’s so impossible and how could I even consider that with what’s happening in the world right now.
when my bf tells me he will quit and that he wants to quit I do think he genuinely wants to and he’s both ok and not ok about not being able to do that. I don’t know what the solution is. I wish I had enough money to provide him with the level of specialist care he needs. And not just him, but everyone too venerable and paralysed by this addiction. Sadly I can’t. I do keep trying to though and in the meanwhile, I suffer the bad times to enjoy the good. And when we’re good, we’re brilliant.
Covid has put soo much pressure on everything and everyone that for the time being I can’t think about just myself. I don’t dare argue with him about what he’s told me he wants to be doing (or rather what NOT to be doing) and what he’s actually doing. He’s finding it too hard to be apart from me, it’s a delicate balance. I can’t even go near that subject right now. Now to me, just feels about us and those we care about surviving. I saw the honours list mentioned last week on tv, i respect those who have contributed to society in a clearly deserving way, but I couldn’t help thinking that us and people like us are also unsung heroes in the darkness. And let’s face it, although on the outside we live in the light, so much of what we endure is tucked away hidden in the shadows.
I saw my guy this weekend again, although I’ve had to come back to mums with the new high covid status. It’s amazing what fresh eyes give when I haven’t seen him for a few days. Now he’s back on it and lost weight again he’s started to look like an addict again. He took a trip into town the other day to visit his daughter (from very very young) and he told me that no one wanted to sit next to him on the train. The carriage was standing room only, except for the two seats either side of him. I looked at him yesterday and he is starting to really show the physical downsides of it all.
I totally think what you’ve said makes sense, think about what i want and need for my life. Luckily I do still keep that in my mind and have been trying to build good things for me (us potentially), but at the same time, living surrounded all this covid chaos, we just need to forget what we or anyone wants to a degree. Until we’re in a position to do otherwise, we just have to survive.
If you’re in a position where you can wholeheartedly know you can walk away, that you, yourself will be OK and even better off, then I think you know you should do that. I can’t tell you that’s right or wrong for you, for him or for you both as a couple. I just believe you have to follow your gut, just as mine is, I’m sure it’s very rarely wrong.
Sending much care and respect for you, I really am. Please do keep me posted, I hope to hear that your life isn’t as bad as seems at times. Xxxx