Hi Nothingleft
Welcome to the forum, i was also sorry to read your story. As Debc said , there are a lot of us mums here sharing our stories and worries. Read Theresa thread, we all have sons with addictions.
You have no need to feel guilty or alone in this. Our sons are making these choices, and only they alone can turn their life around.
The drugs and alcohol are turning them into people we don’t recognise. They say and do things out of desperation, hurting things.
There is help and support there for them , but it is ultimately their decision.
Like you, I also have the fear of ‘that knock on the door ‘. But they are no longer little boys, they are grown men who are making these choices. We can only be there to offer them emotional or spiritually.
You could go on forever with the financial side of it, but it will never be enough.
Take care of your own health and mind , its difficult as I’ve had a bad week myself, but you really need to for your own sanity and the rest of the family.
Don’t be alone in this nightmare, there will be better days ahead. At least we all have each other on this forum.
Take care
Lx