Coco1212, refusing to fund his addiction is a really brave and hard thing to do, but I do believe it’s totally the right thing to do, because unless something changes, he’s always going to need more, and if there’s one thing I do know, for me and my boyfriend, the crack ALWAYS wins. If my boyfriend can’t get it, he’ll ask me for the money. Sometimes he says he needs a top up on food or phone, most of the time we know each other so well, he just asks me direct for the money. I admit on the odd occasion I have given the bare minimum to him, but honestly I’ve given him hell about it, even managed to damage his buzz. Now, on the rare occasion that he needs food and rarer, phone credit, I buy him food and cook it for him, or I’ll transfer him money for credit (it’s always when he’s out) and have him send me the receipt, which he does.
It is hard when they want money, they honestly stop at nothing. Tell them they’re ruining the relationship, explain how, verbally fight them and make them understand how wrong it is, they just never stop. Because the need for it never stops. I think this is how my bf and I are still together. He knows I know. Rarely now he asks me for anything and he knows if he does I’ll either not give it to him, or I’ll damage his buzz. I know how far he’s gone to get what he wants. This is the really nasty side, the area of addiction that needs to be addressed in a better way than how it is. My boyfriend has spent time in prison for shoplifting, which I know he’s done when he really has no other option. He’s been ‘away’ 4 times, they’ve put him on rehabilitation report, and in my view it’s all a useless waste of taxpayer money. He got drugs in prison, he came out in the same position he went in; with a drugs habit. It’s a vicious circle. This is how far he goes when he needs it. Obviously I can’t know your circumstances, they may be very different, but in my experience, it doesn’t matter how many times I say no, or what it’s doing to us/him/his life, the addiction always wins.
Personally, I believe each time my bf tells me he can stop and wants to stop he believes himself that, that’s the case. He never can though. I’ve read examples of how people do overcome the addiction, I consider the options for us and for him. We/he was doing really well before covid, his use was down to an absolute minimum, he was working again, life was getting much better, I don’t know how well and how far that could’ve gone, in terms of overcoming it, because covid hit and we went majorly into reverse. I still have faith that he could eventually have freed himself from the addiction, I still have hope that he will. And these are the two things that keep me going, 1: believing that he does love me, 2: believing that eventually he’ll overcome this addiction and our plans to travel and just live a good life will happen. Lately things have got very very bad again and I’ve questioned these two things again, even realised that their odds of success are slim, but each time we pull together, rekindle our love and get back on the same track.
Coco1212, i hope this helps you, I don’t want to turn you against your ex with any of this real talk. If he is your kids dad and you do want and need to keep him in your life, finding that balance is hard. I know as women it’s not our responsibility to stay, or to help, but it’s never cut and dry and for the most part we do. Sending love and care to you and your family xxx