Coco1212, did he cash the cheque and get some? I hope he didn’t.
Does he know you’ve got his back and why you’re helping him? Does he know you’re helping him so he can give up for his kids?
Can you ask him how he wants you to help him? How much ownership of this addiction he can handle himself?
My bf had me controlling his money once, it was relatively early on in our relationship, he called me his finance director, which he said he needed, he doesn’t trust himself with money. He had me install his banking app on my phone, he gave the bank approval to speak to me, I set up an instant access savings account for him, when any money came he’d tell me what he needed to spend on what, if tuck the rest into savings. He didn’t know how much he had, he didn’t want to know. It worked for a while, but he got tired of having to justify his spending on drugs, his use went right up and he’d spent all his money and was asking for me to lend him some for drugs. I used to track his spending and he hated hearing that he’d spent 1200 on drugs and 50 quid on travel and money on nothing else for the whole month. It’s like hello! We have rent and food and phone bills to pay! And I thought we wanted to take a holiday!!! He hated hearing it so he had me delete it. It did work for the short term. Perhaps that could work for you? For us it failed because he always wants more, he’s not really interested in giving up most of the time. But I think deep down your bf is and does want to give up, he’s physically getting help, my bf hasn’t ever wanted to do that. Are you safe and brave enough to be in a position where you have to tell him no?! Does he trust you to manage his money? That’s what I became, a mediator. My bf can be a very aggressive and violent man, he carries the scars to prove it, but I know deep down he’d never lay a hand on me. I’m small, softly spoken and am very good at fighting back verbally, but am not a violent person at all, and would lay a hand on him, which he’d say my strength is like a bat bite, he’s thrown things across the room, but never at me and never turned to touch me with force. I wouldn’t stand for that, not even once, he knows that. I made that mistake before with another man a long time ago.
In my experience now, I know to expect nothing. I hope for a lot, but I expect nothing, but I’ve walked away a lot. Like, he’s started to get on it in front of me a lot, and sometimes I tolerate it, more of the time him smoking is my queue to leave and he hates that. He’s begged me to stay, told me it’ll be half hour, but it never is. If he physically put down the pipe I’d stay, he never has. He’d rather see me leave and carry on smoking. Eventually he may still loose me completely, I don’t sacrifice my own health for his, what he does is completely on his own back. He knows he’s killing himself, and that’s his choice. I do still remind him of what we could have in life, but it’s on him if he kills himself first. Which some days I half expect.
Also, he was in prison at the age when his kids could be his motivation. Now they’re all grown up with their own lives and families, it’s all on him now. I hope it’s different for your guy.
Sending love, and honestly well done for staying strong and allowing yourself the time and space to realise how hard this is for him. Honestly, I get it, I really do, and well done you xxx
If he hasn’t done so already I’m sure he knows how lucky he is and I’m sure he’ll thank you in the end.