Hi Kellie, I am so sorry you are going through this, my partner is an alcoholic and I know the pain every time you find out they are ‘back on it’ having to paint a smile on your face for the sake of the children feels like such an immensely unfair pressure, I feel it taking it’s toll on me each time, trying to make everything appear ‘normal’ My partner has relapsed again after a few weeks, this time his excuse was the devastating news I received yesterday that my ex husband and father of my 3 young daughters has kidney cancer at aged 41, I have cried buckets for my ex who is a brilliant man and father, I needed my partner to be there for me and yet he made the choice to make himself feel better by getting drunk and in the process me feel worse and heap more pressure and despair on me. A few weeks ago it was because my 11 year old daughter was self harming. It’s like he uses the horrible things that happen to me to justify making my life worse by drinking and not being there for me. Addicts are so selfish and I struggle to understand what occurs in them to do what they do to us and everyone who cares about them. I feel nothing for him at the moment, when he’s got it together I’m so in love with him. He didn’t go to work this morning, supposedly to support me but he got up this morning and started drinking and was drunk before I was awake. My life crumbles and it’s like he starts stamping at what remains, truth is he is never there for me because when shit happens he drinks. I don’t know how to continue sometimes but somehow we do, I understand how broken you must feel, the helplessness and terror. When my partner drinks he cry’s and talks about killing himself, when he isn’t drinking he is fine, the drink or drugs in your case make them feel so bad they feel like this, it’s ridiculous that they continue. I have no words of wisdom for you and for that I am sorry, I feel the same that I want out but love him so much I just go round in circles. Please know that you are not alone and I’m here if you’d like to talk. Xx
