Coco, you are far from pathetic, juggling all this, working through covid and raising kids… perspective girl, you’re incredible!
I think you should try not to let him make you angry, it doesn’t do any good for you or him. If you need to, just walk away, go to the bathroom for 3 mins. I do that sometimes, its a lifesaver. Maybe give it a try.
I’m not sure if you’ve found this, but I find I get angry at suspecting my boyfriend is hiding something or glossing over the truth, but I get even more mad when he admits to it. I actually hate being right now, and we’ve lived through so many examples of this, that I just now assume I’m always 80-100% correct and move on. Being right gets us nowhere, me and my boyfriend I mean. I get the satisfaction of being right, the satisfaction of him admitting he was wrong, maybe a flimsy apology, but what does that solve? Does it make him change his behaviour. No, because addiction is more complex than that. I wish it were as easy as trying to discipline a child, but it’s not. Most of the time me being right just makes him more angry and he’ll just gloss it over even more or completely fall off the planet and ignore me. Crack always wins. Until your boyfriend actually decides not to use drugs anymore, irrespective of his motivation, it’s something only he can do himself. Until then, the drugs will win.
For me, I’ve actually now reached a point where I can’t pull him up on it anymore, we both know I’m right, we both know crack always wins over me. I’ve chosen not to chase an apology or the satisfaction that he confirms I’m right anymore. I just don’t even go there now, but what I do do is not immediately think the worst.. I.e… I’ll assume I’m right, by about 80% severity. And I don’t think about it anymore. The more I think about his actions and consider what the truth actually is, the worse off he is in my mind haha… I do tend to over think things and that leads me to thinking the absolute worst. (I hope this is making sense). Basically, I don’t waste my brain power on questioning his poor lifestyle choices. His addiction had less power over him than ever, i don’t think my chance in attitude in this way is solely responsible for that, but I’m sure it’s helped.
I do encourage you to give your bf the benefit of the doubt, if he says his use is lower than before, it probably is, but depends what low is to him!
And I absolutely don’t have it together, far from it. I’ve been living this longer, that’s all. And my life could be considered a train wreck. I was married before I met my bf, i am still married actually. I didn’t leave my husband for my boyfriend, I didn’t know him then, i left my husband because I realised I wanted children, but didn’t want them with him, I had the life, but not the man. My boyfriend was everything my husband wasn’t, but he’s an addict. I only really accepted it so quickly, I didn’t realise the extent of his addiction at first, but I accepted it so I wouldn’t go back to my husband. I couldn’t take another break up, but I also didn’t want to give up on him. I believed, and I still do, that if the crack wasn’t there, life would be everything ive always wanted it to be. Likely I’m just delusional, all this time I’ve been waiting, hoping, praying. Should I have gone back to my husband, should I have left my crack addict boyfriend, could I have found more happiness elsewhere, who knows. I don’t regret anything I’ve done, currently. At least I don’t think I do, but will I?! Only time will tell.
I hope that doesn’t make me sound like too much of loser haha!
Night Coco, be kind to yourself, you’re amazing! Xxxx