This is the absolute worst thing.. I am not in denial at all. This has been going on for almost 6 years (could be more but this is what he says). I’ve confided in friends and am so lucky to have such amazing people around me that all tell me the same – run for the hills!
I’m so unsure why I can’t let go when I know I will be SO much happier once I’ve healed. If I’m honest I’ve had some terrible boyfriends but never toxic. I feel this relationship has truly ruined me! I absolutely believe supporting an addict is traumatising and I don’t think ill ever be the same.do you feel this way? You’re right I’m not ready to let go.. every time I tell myself (and him) the next time it happens I’m gone.. that comes and goes and I’m here still!
And no you’re completely right he will do anything for the drug he’s even sworn on his kids lives he’s not smoking when i knew he was. He doesn’t see what its doing to me even though I tell him! But I know he probably doesn’t care. I know he wants out of that life I truly believe it.. what I don’t believe is that he ever will. Even if he’s clean for the next 10 years it will always be in the back of my mind that he could be doing it. I cannot sit on top of a grown man day in day out hoping he’s clean Its so draining! Its made me a different person.. I’ve had times I wish he would just use 247 so I would escape and he would sit in his own misery forever and leave me alone! Which is an awful thought to even have I know.. i feel like I’m going insane.
Have you cut contact with your ex completely? I am so happy your finding yourself again and gives me hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you so much for your kind words! Xx