Hi,
I have read your messages, and wanted to just say that you are not alone.
Hollybush, honestly I feel your pain. my husband is now 11 months clean, something I never thought I’d be able to say. And I count my blessings every day. You’d have thought this year would have been awful with the lockdowns etc, but it has been a dream in comparison to the previous 15.
I too contemplated not wanting to be here, but honestly darling, you need to try to detach yourself from his ways, and not let it define you.
If i’ve learnt anything it is that you cannot change someone, it doesnt matter how bad you feel, how much they hurt you, how sad you feel that they are choosing this drug over everything else. Its their choice, and not yours.
I dont know what your home living arrangements are, but if there is any way to get out, then do that, and save yourself.
You have to be selfish and think of yourself and not him.
Sending love x