Hi LauraJ,
I couldnt read and not reply. My husband was a coke addict and is 11 months clean, after 15 years of using on and off (mostly on).
He has finally realised that he cannot pick it up and put it down, it takes hold, reels you in and makes you a different person. He would love to be able to do it a few times a year, but he cannot. And he also cannot drink now either, as it lowers his control defences.
If you are young, and have no children, and can leave. I agree with Deb, you should really do that. If he sorts himself out then you can get back together, but why should you live in this constant state of anxiety.
I have PTSD from the years of living with an addict, I dont speak openly for fear of being shouted down (even though that wouldnt happen now he’s clean) I worry if he sees certain people, If he comes home from work in a funny mood I wonder, if he’s overly happy I wonder.
Honestly, take a look at your life and realise that your happiness is the most important thing, and if he’s not making you happy all the time then thats a problem.
Sending love x