Coco, where does it end?! I wish I knew for both of us. I feel for you and your children, what must be going through their minds when those things are happening. Have they been close to their grandparents before? My grandmother had some life-long issues with her mental health. She’d watched her parents divorce and then nursed her mother through cancer to her death and never quite got over all that. I do also think she regretted not marrying a man she was engaged before she married my grandad, but that aside, she wasn’t of stable mind. She died a long time ago, but for the last 10 years of her life she wasted away in a care home for the mentally ill, her body as fit as an ox, her mind full of anger and fear. It was in these last years that it all became apparent that prior to this, after my grandad died and when she lived alone, she’d turned the rest of the family against my dad and my mum. She’d told so many lies about them Ill-treating her, so as to appear the victim, and they believed it all. For years. Until at the end of her life, they saw for themselves what she was like. Sadly my dad died before any of this was realised, his brother, who had distanced himself for years said how he’d regretted doing so. It was all down to my grandmother’s untruths. I hope your boyfriend hasn’t spoken Ill of you or his children in an attempt to mask his addiction, you can’t react to it if he has. Allowing him to change the views of his parents isn’t a reflection on you or them, it’s a reflection of the vulnerability created by his addiction.
I ordered my bf some food this evening, he’s literally down to nothing apparently, which I do believe. Then he disappeared. Again. It was enough to make all the thoughts of the last few days come back, so I started to question why I helped him out with food, why did I take pity on him after he’d been so nasty to me. I was so angry at myself, and tried to reach him, I couldn’t and that only made it worse. He was ‘online’ while I sent the messages, but just didn’t read them. Then, he claimed he’d been out and left his phone at home! A blatant lie. Well as you can imagine, this really pissed me off. I told him I can’t trust him, he’s a liar, has no respect for me. We’ve left it there and now I’m trying to understand why I got so angry, am i sabotaging our relationship? Am I clutching at reasons to walk away. I am again asking “does he even care” – but this time do I want to tell myself yes, or do I want to do enough to make myself think that he doesn’t, so I can walk away.
If he’d cheated it would be easier, but he hasn’t, I’m second to crack instead.
The sadness is, there’s a lot about my life that my mum and my friends don’t know. Ive never introduced my boyfriend to anyone except one friend, once. We’ve led very separate lives from the perspective of my family. If I’m honest, I tried once to introduce my mum to him very early on, but she got really upset about the type of man she perceived him to be. I didn’t even give her the bad bits! She doesn’t even know about the drugs, but if she met him, she’d see from his appearance (his teeth) what he does.
I feel terrible because, firstly, I’m trying to protect my mum and my friends from worrying about me, and secondly Ive been trying to protect him from them, from feeling he’s no good. In a way also, shamefully, I am the sweetheart of the family, and I do and don’t like that, because deep down I’m not a sweetheart. All this time I’ve lived with a huge secret and shame of loving this man who is an addict, but who makes me happy, the drugs aside. It may not be exactly what I thought I wanted for my life, but I tried living what I thought I wanted with the picture-perfect house, marriage and lifestyle, and even though I thought I’d chosen well, my husband turned out to be controlling, manipulative and have the emotional capacity of a 10yr old. Of course, it was only a matter of time before someone charming came along, paid me lots of attention and led me into an affair – another secret I’ve never shared with my family. That was my ‘brief encounter’ romance, sadly I’ve regretted it since. (He wasn’t my boyfriend, I met him after all that happened.)
The burden of these things I think is finally taking its toll.
I am happy with my boyfriend, for the most part, even if it isn’t ideal. He’s, for the most part, happy with me. Like I said, I’ve become a part of his family, even if he hasn’t become part of mine. It all works, to a degree.
I’m at a crossroads, totally. If it weren’t for the drugs, I genuinely do think everything would be beyond great, but the addiction still looms over him, me and our lives together as a result. I honestly don’t know what’s for the best anymore.
Xxx