It’s staggering, the parallels between us all. I will quote you with things I have written myself:
“I’ve never loved anyone as I love him and he is a good man when he is himself.”
“honestly questioned my own sanity…”
“I was still so angry at him…” “I miss and love him so much”
“The lies are the massive thing for me, the trying to convince you that it’s in your head and you’re paranoid to the point you have to question yourself only to find out your gut instinct was in fact spot on.”
“He has ruined my last two birthdays…”
All of the above, I could have written without changing a word. I feel I’ve moved beyond that point now.. what Dre80 says is 100% spot on… when you get down to the heart of it, this is about US, not them.. not the addicts with the problem.
We are NOT going to change them, we have to change the situation we are in… and the only way we can do that is by walking away. It is NOT going to get better…don’t let your heart run your heart and don’t live on sentimentality. The bad times far outweighed the good times I had with my fella. He managed to ruin two christmas days, and three birthdays. Yesterday was truly the first time I didn’t let me get in my head.. although he still contacted me – to tell me I am the love of his life and everything is going to be ok. Yeah right. I’ve been hearing that for nearly 3 years. Enough is truly enough.
Just when you start to pick yourself up, they drag you back in. They will make you feel like you’ll losing your mind. Your mental, spiritual and physical health will decline, you will lose sleep, time and happiness wasting your life trying to help them, and they will return time and time again to their addiction. They will lie to you, manipulate you, treat you like crap and drown you in their self pity. They will turn on you, blame you.. they will disappoint you, let you down, and ruin every important moment in life. Is this love?
I keep moving forward. I have been kind, but no longer will I be weak. I hope you all get to where I am in my journey because the peace of mind is priceless, the ability to love yourself in precious and the realisation that we are worth more is where you start to self-heal and move on without an addict dragging you down.