No it’s not the first alcoholic, I was 16 when I moved in with a 23 year old man who was very much a functioning alcoholic, he was horrible to me, mentally abusing me very occasionally physically, it took all I had to leave him and the last time not go back, my self esteem in tatters, he’d poor on emotional guilt and then rewarded me with money and presents when I returned. I promised myself never to allow someone to treat me that way again..
This situation is the same but very different also, my husband is not a functioning alcoholic nor nasty and abusive in that way albeit it still is abusing us as human beings and destroying us, it’s just different.
When I found out my daughter was self harming he immediately hit the bottle, I’ve had people say that maybe as soon as my attention is on someone else he cannot cope so does it to draw my attention back, how selfish would that be if it were true, and I wonder at times if they are right as 4 weeks later my daughters father was told he had kidney cancer, I cried so many tears for him and my husband turned to drink yet again and attention was back on him. I have felt like I am trying to keep literally EVERYTHING together for the kids sake, for finances, I work full time myself it’s not as if I can dedicate my entire week to just surviving I actually have to be responsible and on the ball as an assistant QS and feel like a hamster on a wheel, unable to stop and feel exhausted or anything else because it will all coming crashing around me.
Children will pick up on lots we take for granted. I pay £50 a week for private counselling for my daughter following the self harming and console myself that my husband’s drinking has never been mentioned by her and I have never said to any of the kids they have to keep anything a secret and assume she doesn’t mention it as mostly things are normal and when he drinks he’s just not ‘there’ rather than causing the children chaos. It’s only me that feels the chaos and I keep it inside.
You are right, there must be something in us that makes us feel we can deal with these situations yet both times I’ve been with an alcoholic it was never a choice as it was cleverly hidden from me until i was sucked in and in love, unless it was my blindness to see the signs.