Thank you all for your replies. I found it so difficult to put this on the forum but have found others stories really helpful and so, so sad. Whilst I wouldn’t wish this on anyone else it is comforting to know that I am not alone and others are experiencing the same thing.
At the moment I don’t think he is drinking but just a few days ago he was terrible with lots of empties around. I hate myself for going round checking but I hate even more the self-doubt his secrecy and lies create in me.
My life is calmer and easier when I am on my own. VMac123 I agree it is definitely a lonely life and definitely lonelier to be living with someone who is drinking than living alone. Yet when he is not drinking I can see glimpses of the man I married and think would I be mad to throw away 20+ years of marriage. But this constant roller coaster of drinking/not drinking/lying/secrecy and getting cross is really getting me down and I think has perhaps caused irreparable damage – certainly our level of conversation now can’t include looking forward to the future.
Take care and stay strong.