Sadly I speak from experience. Prior to being with my partner, I had zero experience or knowledge about drugs, which is why it took me so long to learn and gain the strength to walk away.
It’s so true that when you’re in love with someone, you wear rose-tinted glasses. It’s why people say ‘what do you see in him?’ – it’s because you see something in that person that no one else sees. But it’s also why outsiders can so plainly see things clearer than us, with a more dispassionate eye. And give us advice our head tells us is right, but our heart fights against. Like ‘just leave him’ ‘don’t tolerate this,’ ‘Why are you putting up with this?’
I found personally and from listening to others, what makes it so difficult to walk away is knowing the person you love is in there somewhere. It’s like the drugs steal the person you love. It’s Jekyll and Hyde. If I had a pound for every ‘without the drugs he is the perfect man, without the drugs he is a different person’ ‘when he’s not on the drugs, things are brilliant between us.’ But that is what drugs are and that is what drugs do. You’re waiting for that loved one to come back. And in the meantime, all you get are lies, disappointment, abuse, arguments, heartache… it is a never ending cycle.
Addicts lie to themselves, so they have no compunction lying to you. And I admit now, I lied to myself. I did NOT want to admit that my man was an addict. I loved him. I more than loved him, I adored him, I idolised him. So to finally admit to myself he was an addict hurt me more than any abuse he’s ever given me. But I had to in the end. I accepted that he is an addict, that he is probably never going to stop, this cycle of abuse wasn’t ever going to end, and I was never going to be able to trust him again in any event. That was the hard part of breaking away. That, and dealing with him when he kept coming back to me. My cycle used to be:
* he’d use, I’d call him out for his mood swings, he’d deny being on drugs, we’d argue, he’d abuse me, I’d leave, he’d use until he ran out of money and got low, he’d contact me, I’d go running back. (and repeat, ad infinitum)
I became so ill I suffered panic attacks, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and I became physically ill and looked terrible. Mentally I was a wreck. I sat and sobbed on so many occasions I lost count. This was a man who told me ‘No man will ever feel about you the way I do.’ In fact the truth is, this man treated me worse than any man I have ever been with. He made me feel worthless. My self-confidence was gone and I work now to rebuild that. On occasions the way he spoke to me made me feel like I was nothing more than an idiot. I’ve never been made to feel stupid by the man I love. All the lies, all the deceit..the cruel way he spoke to me.. I kept going back for more in the stupid belief I was being kind. When the truth is, I was just too weak to walk away, because I loved him but didn’t love myself enough.
If I can use my experience to help just one person, then what I went through won’t have been a waste. If I can use my experience to help others come through then it was worth it.
My situation today is that I have had no contact with him since November. I called him and he was using drugs. I asked him not to contact me again and got an abusive text. Within 2 weeks he tried to reconnect with me, even coming to my leisure centre. I walked out. He texted me. I didn’t reply. I’ve subsequently got a stream of texts and calls (none of which I’ve replied to). On Christmas Day I organised for a mutual friend to give him a gift I’d bought. I knew how much it will hurt him if he didn’t hear from me or receive a card/gift on this day, and I don’t wish to torture someone that is clearly unhappy enough to take crack cocaine.
I got quite a few texts… all of which were apologetic and telling me how sorry he was, and how things will change, and how much he loves me. When it was clear I wasn’t going to respond, he even sent pleading texts for a reply. I didn’t give in to the pressure. His last text (received on Sunday) said he was ‘disappointed I hadn’t been able to reply, but seems to have accepted that it’s over, and he wishes me well and love and peace.
I don’t think it is ever over with an addict. You never get closure. You never get your happy ending. All you get are promises, lies, abuse and heartache.
You have to do everything you can to protect YOU. And if you think that is being selfish, remind yourself, your addict is choosing drugs over you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again, they are lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you, taking you for granted and disrespecting you. So when they act like the victim and say you should be helping them, perhaps remind yourself of this.
How many times do you want to keep running into the burning building to save them? Until you get burnt yourself?