I can feel every bit of your anger, and sadness and frustration… because I’ve lived it.
As you said, you don’t ever really get closure. I’ve broken away from him so many times I’ve lost count. We have never split up. We would estrange. I wouldn’t hear from him for days.. weeks even… and then he’d come back. He’d find a way to reconnect. I managed 12 weeks without him and he contacted me. He was going to rehab.. which is why I let him back him.
Look at now.. I haven’t seen him since he went off for the rehab in October (and he returned after 2 weeks). I saw him briefly when he came to my leisure centre.. I walked out. He was trying to reconnect. But over Xmas and new year. he has been contacting me. Waiting for rehab, pestering his case worker.. and seemingly now can’t survive without me.
What they do David is burn you. And when you go off to heal yourself, they come back and apologise. And you let them back in… and then they rip your bandage off and burn you again. That is an addict. I don’t think it’s even intentional.. it’s just the nature of addiction.
If anything has strengthened my resolve, it’s that I won’t interact with him whilst he is using. Been there and done it for 3 years and it is a waste of time. Don’t waste your breath because that junk affects their brain and their judgement. They are defiant, arrogant, in denial and abusive. So save your breath.
I found around the time I was where you are, I would repeat to myself… let it go. Just take a deep breath and say ‘let it go.’
I am only where I am now in my journey probably because I’ve taken a lot more abuse, and broken promises and lies than you. I had to get to breaking point.. but for that to happen, it left me extremely ill, physically and mentally. Anxiety, stress, depressed, low self-esteem, exhaustion.. it took its toll. That is the only reason I am where I am now. It didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t that strong that I could do it 2 years, a year ago. It had to get so bad that I really had no choice but to accept what was in front of my eyes.
I struggle every day to stay strong. But I will… because I won’t talk to an addict.