Hi Bex,
Firstly well done for reaching out (hope that does not sound patronising), sometimes it helps massively to put your problems down on paper.
I would love to say that I am changed person, however, I still use although a much lower amount. I am by no means advocating the use of drugs but my journey has had positives as well as negatives.
How much are you doing each day? I must admit I could have a huge rock and would not touch it during the day – mine is a more of a habitual nighttime habit – very much like you I feel that the dullness would be too much too bear. I have been honest with all my family members from the start and have loved and lost a few (sadly hypocrites that were once using constantly). My Dad who is the straightest guy ever simply stated “Debs, when you are ready to stop you will, not when everyone else is telling you too”.
Lockdown has created many drug and alcohol problems in individuals who previously have never relied on them for a crutch so please go easy on yourself. I am here for you if you need me.
Much Love xx