Coco, ok, that sounds like change, that’s good, and well done for taking charge of your own feelings xx
I’m so sorry I haven’t messaged for a while, it all got a bit much, this year has been so full on.
Once every six days isn’t every day, even if he did do it on day 6, that’s a massive decrease in use, I think that’s positive.
I’m ok-ish, thank you. Surviving. Not much has changed really, we’ve had good weeks and bad weeks, I couldn’t take the risk and bubble with him for the sake of mums health, we’ve come too far. As a result I haven’t seen him in a month. At first we were good, we spoke every day, the non-using days started to build up, he was really good actually. We got a lot talked about plans for the future spoken of again, we found a new normal. But as this new lockdown went on, he became more and more frustrated, angry and depressed, he decided to pass the time with the crack in a major way again and we’ve barely spoken for over a week now. I don’t know what he’s been up to, where he’s been. He said he’s been stuck at home the whole time, but I don’t quite believe that, as he’s now sick. A cold or covid, who knows. He’s being particularly moody and dismissive with me, it’s that feeling ill and wanting attention plus the comedown as a combo. He’s got some money coming to him in a couple of weeks, more than he’s had in one go for a long while, I tried to talk to him about what he’s gonna do with it, get the bills paid that we need to settle. I’m so over him owing me for things now, especially as we’re not living together. He went all defensive, tried to claim i was thinking of myself. It just felt like that was him telling me he wants to have a missive session and he can’t wait. I just know he won’t spend it on the things WE / HE needs to spend it on. I just know what he’s planning, I think in his mind, he’s already anticipating it. The day he found out he was getting the money was the day his use increased massively. I know he just can’t wait. I can’t stop him, I can’t reason with him. The whole country is in a state, he’s alone, he’s going to just do what he wants to do. It’s heartbreaking and I can’t stop him.
I just hope that when he gets this money he’ll actually do what he should and not go so hard on the crack that it’ll be too hard. I can’t help but feel this, I’m still in that waiting to see what happens frame of mind. One of three things is about to occur, only one is good, which I just don’t know.
Nevertheless I’m trying to stay positive, trying to be more than reasonable and supportive, giving him space when he’s taking it for himself, trying not to tell him how much this distance is upsetting me. I failed at that today.
What can I do Coco?! Other than just wait, hope. Try and stay strong, so over doing all of those things.
Xxx