I can relate to where you’re at right now so much! My partner also doesn’t have a secure job at the moment and I do, but also what you said about time. I’ve done exactly the same since about October. Let’s just get Christmas out of the way…oh I’ll just wait until his birthday has passed (in January)…let’s wait now until after his sons birthday (February)…when will lockdown end, maybe then he can get a secure job and it will be easier. But then, he’s had 3 days this week he’s been sober, we’ve had lovely evenings together, great conversations, and it’s like in my mind those 3 days sober are an excuse for me to go easy on him because I want more than anything for him to stay sober, for him to WANT to stay sober and for everything to be ok because I love him so much. But then today, out walking for hours, came back drunk. Knew I was annoyed so came in and went straight up to bed. Sat apart all evening and haven’t spoken. So it’s moments like NOW I want to tell him it’s over, but then all I can think is, like you, what his reaction will be and is it really the right moment to do it when he’s been drinking?
One of the hardest things I think it’s accepting that whatever their reaction is, that is not our responsibility. The choices they make are not our choices, we cannot control that even if we think turning a blind eye or putting it off feels like the better thing to do to avoid an adverse reaction. I can’t say I’ve been in your position where he’s needed medical treatment and that must be extremely scary. But none of that is your fault, or mine, or anyone’s. That is a choice they make. But as I said, that’s one of the hardest things to deal with and accept and perhaps part of the reason we stay around, because we might feel guilty or blame ourselves for leaving and where they will end up.
Im also really struggling with this lockdown. I feel really low myself, I’m finding work really stressful and can barely motivate myself to go for a walk or leave the house at all for days. I’ve put on so much weight I’ve got aches and pains, I just want to sleep all the time and when I’m not working I just sit mindlessly watching TV. I have my family who I speak to but they don’t know anything that’s going on and I don’t really have any close friends to talk to. So this with my partner is just one more thing in a long line of things I feel like I am barely coping with right now.
I hope we can all keep talking and one day move towards the solution that is right for each of us. Thinking of you all, stay safe xx