Hi! I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through – being the partner of a drug addict is nothing short of hell on earth.
My honest advice to you from my own experience, is to run away from this man and never look back. I do believe, like many addicts that at the time he promised you he was going to change, he probably meant it. Sadly, the pull of the drug (I have heard that crack is probably one of the hardest to resist) will always come before you – the end result being that you will feel utterly used and second best to crack. I say this because my ex boyfriend of 5 years is a heroin addict and an alcoholic but the two go hand in hand along with any other drug including grass. He also stole from me and many times used the excuse that he took the money so he could buy enough gear to kill himself. He also cheated on me but that apparently was just a mistake and was my fault because I had kicked him out of my home.
As brutal as this sounds, for the most part addicts are narcissists devoid of any empathy towards the people who love and care for them. In fact, it is their loved ones that they abuse the most and whilst they are in active addiction, your feelings and mental health are of no concern to them whatsoever. Yes, you will see times when they appear to be remorseful and desperate to change but their actions never reflect their words. It is like being on a merry go round ride and if you don’t jump off you will ultimately be dragged down by the chaos. I was a happy person before I met my ex and stupidly I was arrogant enough to believe that my love and support would make him want to stop for good. It is so hard because you see glimpses of hope when the person they were meant to be surfaces but that becomes more and more fleeting and no amount of suffering they see you going through will make them stop. The lies, selfishness and lack of respect suck out your very soul and make you feel so worthless and unappreciated. Then you have the gaslighting to contend with and if you’re not careful you will actually start believing that it is all your fault that he uses that filth.
Do you want to waste anymore time on someone who is showing you with his actions that he has no intention of changing? Do you want to worry about where you are going to put your purse every time he comes to your home or what state he will be in when you see him? He may have got clean in prison but was that through choice? When he gets out he wont have bars to stop him hooking up with his dealer so do you want to take the risk of jumping back on that ride? What are you getting from this relationship other than constant worry and suspicion? In my honest opinion, when the trust has gone so has your relationship and if you continue like I did, your sanity and self-worth too! It is very hard and painful to let go but you CANNOT change them however much you show your love and support.
If you genuinely believe he has changed and you’re prepared to give it another go then my advice would be to take it very slowly indeed. If he is serious about staying off crack then he will need to have lined up some sort of support as in meetings and counselling etc. Getting the drugs out of their system is apparently not the hardest part it’s the mental pull that is a battle that stays with them for the rest of their lives – do you want your mental health to suffer as a result of being in a battle YOU are powerless to win? You will be putting your happiness and future entirely in the hands of someone unpredictable, unreliable and untested as to his sincerity about change. Why do you think that he could change for you if he couldn’t even get clean for his children?
It is possible that he really wants to change but actions speak so much louder than words. If you believe he is being sincere then my suggestion would be to keep a distance from him when he gets out and see how he gets on. You matter and so does your happiness … take a step back and imagine the kind of life you will have if you take him back. I no longer speak to my ex and as much as I miss the beautiful person that would sometimes surface and make me want to keep trying I am slowly becoming me again. Be brave but mostly be honest with yourself x