RosesHT36, thanks for getting in touch. Sorry to hear about your situation. If you don’t mind me asking, How long have you been in this position? How long has your husband been on the coke? Is he a drinker, does he smoke it too? How are you doing in all of this, do you have any support of anyone?
It is exhausting.
My boyfriends addiction is the one thing standing in our way.
The thing I’m struggling with lately is that my boyfriend gets on the crack and all he thinks about is the past. The fun he had, the crazy things he did. He was high for all of it, crack, or the dopamine it creates both heightened his enjoyment and made him remember it all clearly. Dopamine after all affects memory, or rather over stimulates the section of the brain that controls memory. My boyfriend recalls stories of his past so clearly, every detail, but this is now the issue for me. He seems stuck in it. No longer zipping around doing the crazy stuff, he’s too old for that now, (thank god!) instead he’s indoors, occasionally with someone to get high and talk about it all with, and reminisce about the past. Yes, he’s cut down massively, he’s getting it to the point where it’s a bit more manageable, and conducive with a normal lifestyle. His use is daily/expensive, but in the £20-40 a day range rather than £200 a day range. The risks involved in finding the money to sustain this are minimal-ish now. He can pretty much pay for what he needs without turning to crime, but needs me to feed him though. He’s living two paths right now, the person stuck in the past, not creating any kind of future with me. And the slightly clearer minded person who does see the possibilities of our future now, has planned it all with me, but isn’t in this state for long enough to actually achieve anything. Only long enough to talk about it, think about how good life will be, think back to how good (or rather more crazy and fun) his life has been, and there he goes again. Stuck in this cycle. For my boyfriend, the events which led him to drugs can always be used as excuses for not coming off them. Some terrible things happened to him as a child. His dad abused his mum, so he was put in care, where he was abused. All before the age of 5. His family are relatively wealthy, but he wanted nice things, they made him feel good, so decided to find ways to get them, he lacked guidance or direction, so there he fell solidly into crime. He’s never had to really work for something, although he has intermittently at times worked, but didn’t see the same financial gains. High risk, quick wins always wins in the end. So high risk actually that he’s lucky to be alive, he’s been stabbed 7 times. No one ever went for (or got I think) his life with a gun – it happened to a lot of people he knew.
As I’ve said before, his debt to society, 12 years worth, have been paid.
But what kind of life do you call this?
I often wonder what I’m doing with him. I’ve known loss and struggle myself in a different ways. That’s how we bonded, plus we’re both pretty fearless and don’t mind risk, actually we both thrive on risk, but in different ways. I don’t believe in anything illegal. We’re both relatively intelligent people, together there’s really nothing we can’t achieve. Except his addiction is totally holding him back. Keeping him in the past. Sometimes he does dwell on the bad things, but he’s pretty much dealt with it all now, he’s accepted and forgiven. So now it’s just about moving forward and doing so in a solid legal, sustainable way. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to move forward to another chapter of his life, or if it all ends in the same condition it’s in now. Only time will tell. Covid obviously paused everything, which has not helped. It’s allowed him to do exactly what he thinks he loves the most, get high and remember the past, but it hasn’t stopped me getting our plans for the future in motion. He’s getting a bit left behind now.
Sometimes, or rather especially now because I’m getting older, I’m realising I don’t want to waste too much more of my life in this position. I want to get on making it good, living it well. How much longer will this go on for, and when and how will it change. That’s what I’m pretty much waiting for now.
Care to all xxx