I am so sad to read this as I can again relate. I don’t know who I am either and like you I would never ever have let myself be treated this way but somehow I’m waking up every morning in this nightmare.
I had to take myself out of our marriage. Due to not only lock down my husband had isolated us completely (I understand why now) and I had no support network living hundreds of miles from my own family with two children under 2.
My husband too would be present physically but showed limited interest and boredom in spending any time with our children and would avoid me and family time at all costs. Usually saying he was working etc I now know he wasn’t just working.
It is a horrid situation to be in in this climate. I have very dark days myself. My husbands family have cut me and our children off – seeing me as the trouble maker I think because I stand up to him/ them and won’t stand for the behaviour or acceptance – just because he is holding down a job doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem. I’ve had to live with this jeckyl and Hyde monster
. I’ve also had to put in measures such as divorce and social services in place to protect us because of my husbands temper. The drink goes hand in hand with this also.
We would constantly argue – although it was always me who caused it being a nag and I just can’t have my children in that environment anymore – I left before I knew about the cocaine. And I felt so so guilty for doing so because I had no concrete reason – except for it just wasn’t working and I got the impression my husband just wanted to be a single man.
Again it always looks like I am the bad guy and the guilt and questioning myself is unbearable at times because I look like the one making the ‘drama’.
It’s reassuring to hear that the pattern of behaviour is common amongst users in so much that it helps me see that it isn’t me. But it’s really hard to accept. I don’t want to get divorced but my husband has become so vile, so angry and so horrible to me that some of the things he has said done and accused me of I just don’t think we can ever recover from. It would have been very different if he had told me and told me he wanted help and gone about getting that help without going even further of the rails.