There is that feeling that as they are holding down jobs and providing for their family then where is the real problem? I think sometimes people don’t really believe me about it. My own mum was actually not helpful. She thought I just needed to not let him go out, to not accept this behaviour. Then she went on to suggest that perhaps I should have given more time to him when we had our son.
I didn’t tell her the extent of how his addiction progressed during lockdown because I just didn’t feel heard by her when I talked about what the last few years had been like.
The progression of addiction is the hard part. To start with its just a weekend and you feel annoyed but its just boys being boys… then its once a month… once a week… every day. And it looks like binge drinking also because the start is just seemingly massive hangovers and terrible mood. But then the lies started.
For now I do try not to be so negative about the situation. It helps me think about it rationally. I have also found that if I ask nothing of him then he can actually be OK. So we let him sleep all weekend and we get on with our own life around him. I act like a single mum really. And my sons behaviour has been better since doing this also, although I can see its not healthy but I try to reassure him when my husbands mood effects us all.
I think about what if he was clean – what would that look like. Like your husband he has spent the last few years doing less and less with us. He wouldn’t even go to the park and insisted it was just so boring, that we were so boring. He ruined family days out and family holidays were a nightmare. I don’t know if he was sober would he just not want to do these things anyway. Who knows.
I have been watching YouTube videos that have helped me see past his behaviour. That jekyll and Hyde thing. I also found them useful in using language that is not confrontational but I fail at it a lot of the time! Mostly I just watch them to remind me that I am not to blame for any of this. The channel is ‘put the shovel down’ if you want to have a look x