I want my husband to get sober so he can be a good dad. Thats what I would love. What I don’t know is what our relationship would look like. I have lost sight of what is him and what is cocaine talking to me and he has put me through a lot of crap.
We have been married 15 years, together 17 years and for a lot of that time we have been happy. But recent years have been so hard I can’t tell if I would want a relationship or not if he was sober. When I didn’t know it was an addiction I thought he was just being a bad dad and a terrible husband because he no longer loved me. I tried to be a better wife at first and then afterwards I just shut him out. I couldn’t put up with the ups and downs. When I finally found out he was taking cocaine heavily it was almost a relief to understand what had really been going on but I soon realised he was not going to stop and it felt like he died. He stopped hiding it and just got nasty towards me. I tried many times to get him to get help over this year and all he did was fall further into his addiction.
Maybe he has lost himself as well. He probably doesn’t really know how to parent an 8 year old at the moment and he has definitely forgotten how to be a husband, its almost like he doesn’t know me any more. His anger about our son today is probably his own fear about the situation. He wants things kept secret and any suggestion from me about him talking to family have always been met with him getting very angry.
I want him to tell family and friends about needing to get sober, I want him to go to the gp and I want him to make more of a plan and look for ways to stay sober. I guess for us to have any chance of a relationship after all this I feel like I need to be part of the plan to get sober. Maybe that’s wrong but its how I feel.