Thank you for replying everyone. I am relieved to know I am not alone.
Notmyrealname – sorry you are going through this too. I don’t know my husband either. I don’t know if I even married the man I thought I did. He has been using this drug for more than half of our marriage. However I never would have thought the man I married would behave this way toward his own children. He has been very cruel. Cutting us off physically and financially. I moved out of our family home before I found out about the drugs because I was miserable. I felt so guilty as I had no ‘concrete’ reason. Now I know I was right to think something was off. You ask the questions (well I didn’t about drugs because it never crossed my mind) but hey excuses or made to feel like it’s you being dramatic. But I guess I always felt there was something unbeknown to me. I just let myself believe he was struggling to confess he was struggling with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. Some men do so I’m told.
I didn’t have a support network around me and it was extremely isolating, (without Covid) and with two children under 2 I was really struggling and I couldn’t live like that – I just thought he didn’t want to be a father or husband. I thought maybe there was someone else buy that didn’t lead me anywhere so when I found out about the drugs I was relieved but I don’t think he was ready to really change – he was forced into telling me and said what I think he believed he should have said in admitting it.
I’m constantly even to this day being let down – he never prioritises us (over everything- work, his family) and it always hurts me deeply. I don’t know if that’s him or the drugs. Surely the drugs don’t explain everything.
SMarker – I am sorry too you are in this situation also. I have left him too but it seems to have done little to change his attitude although he says he has stopped using. He went through a month of being absolutely vile / cruel to us accompanied by him being really depressed so maybe he did stop, maybe he has re started and that’s why he is more communicative slightly now, but I just don’t know. He blames me/ our marriage for it all – he does it for escapism apparently. I find it hard to accept or believe this. Even worse to contemplate any future because it’s like he can’t cope with commitment or responsibility or life’s ups and downs. I know I havnt been perfect myself. I suffered after our children were born – I think I had a little of undiagnosed PND but he was very unsupportive whilst I was pregnant and ever since. His drug use coincided with just before I got pregnant. I feel like he has had ultimatums- I actually have started divorcing him. So maybe it is just me. It is so deep rooted like you say. I feel so let down by him hurt and angry that I just don’t have any patience for him. Because I also see he has hurt our children in this – they have had no where near the life I thought. It’s been a constant rollercoaster and upheaval for them – something else I feel I can’t forgive him for. I wish I felt less angry towards him but it’s frustrating to watch him just ‘not get it’.
2468anyadvice – so sorry you too are going through this.
I relate completely with what you say. My husband too would say I was controlling for pulling him up on his behaviour or asking him to make changes or asking him even simple things like what time he would be finishing work. I think it’s like a resistance to us because they know they are in the wrong and it’s to make themselves feel better – but it’s taken me a long time to accept that. At first I blamed myself for everything entirely. It’s been a very dark time. And like you I feel everywhere you look or read the answer is it never gets better or it does then it relapses at some point. So will it be 6 months, or 10 years… and I ask myself can I face this hurt again years down the line. It hurts like hell right now but do I want to go through it again and when my children’ will be more aware. It’s so so hard and definitely one of the hardest things I think anyone has to go through.